I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
