turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
