then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
