Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
