You're completely useless in the revolution.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
