Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he's gonorrhea incarnate
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize