Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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