Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize