her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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