Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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