weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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