I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
