New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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