Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
