We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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