We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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