I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
