There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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