RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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