I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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