dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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