I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
