Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
