I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
