a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
