I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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