Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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