If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
