well I can't set my house on fire every night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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