I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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