i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
