please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
