True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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