I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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