Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
