So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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