i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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