Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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