i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
