so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
