I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
