Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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