You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
