I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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