i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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