Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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