Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
