i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
