I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
