Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
