Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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