I just threw up on my dentist
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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