Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He shit in the fireplace
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
