tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
