What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize