I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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