Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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