I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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