I just threw up on my dentist
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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