My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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