Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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