i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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