what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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