I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
