im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
