Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
