Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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